Of Men and Chicken
by inverse03
Summary: It's Sherlock Holmes meets Peter Griffin the worlds gretest detective with the world biggest idiot. Also includes some unexpected cameo's.
1. Chapter 1

"What do you mean that you won't be accompanying me this time?" Sherlock asked.

"Well, I have to go away on a family with the Missus, Mr. Holmes," Watson said, "It's a bit of a last minute change, however. Don't you fret; there will be someone accompanying you this time."

"Who is this gentleman?" Sherlock asked.

"Well," Watson began, "He's not exactly a 'gentleman', so to speak; but I assure you: he is competent…to my extent."

"Well, what's his name and where is he?"

"His name is Peter Griffin and he's in the lavatory right now."

"Peter Griffin…why does that name not sound familiar?" Sherlock inquired.

"It's probably because you've never met," Watson said and as he said this, the lavatory door could be heard opening. "Ah, there he is now."

Peter Griffin, if you've never seen him before, was an obese man who wore a white dress shirt tucked into his green slacks, along with that he wore glasses.

"Hey, was that soap on the counter for decoration or is it for sanitary uses?" Peter asked.

"I suppose it's for the latter," Watson said.

"I didn't ask for a ladder, I said what's the soap for in the bathroom?"

"It's for sanitary use," Watson answered.

"Oops, I guess I should've used that then," Peter said. "Oh well, I'll do it later."

Watson picked up his bags and said, "And with that, I'm off; goodbye Mr. Holmes."

Watson headed out the door to the cab, which was waiting for him to finish with his business with Holmes. As the cab disappeared from view, Peter asked, "So, what are we supposed to do?"

"We have a mystery to solve."

"Oh, boy," Peter said with glee, "This'll be just like the time I teamed up with MacGyver, only there wont be any explosions or creative devices made from household appliances."

"I'm not familiar with this 'MacGyver' character, but it will be enthralling anyways," Sherlock said, "But first: I'll give you the lowdown on what had happened."

Sherlock told him all of what had happened and what he knew up to this point, but Peter didn't understand any of it.

"Yeah, could I get any of that in English?" Peter asked.

Sherlock sighed and said, "In a nutshell…"

"Now we're talking about nutshells?"

"It's just an expression; it literally means: to put it briefly. Anyway, in a nutshell: someone got murdered and we need to find out how it happened, who did it, and why he or she did it. Did you get all of that Mr. Griffin?"

"Oh yeah, I understand now," Peter said.

"Good, can we get going now?"

"One sec, I got to use the 'lavatory'," Peter said as he ran back inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Later, they reached their destination: the House of Usher. It resembled a medieval stronghold only it was spruced up to more resemble a monastery/house. They walked inside to see the owner of the house, Roderick Usher.

"Delighted to see you Mr. Holmes and Mr. Watson," Roderick said. "I would have reached you sooner but the weather was terrible around here."

"Actually, Mr. Watson is on vacation right now; this is Mr. Peter Griffin."

"I see," Roderick said looking at Peter skeptically. "Do you have any experience with solving mystery before?" he asked Peter.

"Well, there was this one time where my mayonnaise disappeared and I had to find out what happened to it, but then it turned out that I ate the mayonnaise and I threw away the jar."

"Indeed," Roderick said with a look of disgust in his face.

"Anyways," Sherlock said, trying to get away from Peter's disgusting habits, "You said that your sister was murdered, may we see where the incident took place?"

"Why certainly," Roderick said, "so long as you don't touch anything." Roderick said this seeing Peter touching all of his stone busts on his bookshelves.

"Lead the way, Mr. Usher," Sherlock said and Roderick led the two of them to his study.

In the middle of the study, there was a cloth with a lump lying under it. "If I'd known that we were going to have a picnic, I would've brought my basket," Peter said as he lifted the cloth up revealing Ms. Roderick's cadaver. "Sweet Mother of Pee-Wee Herman!" Peter exclaimed.

"That's why I said," Roderick began, as he took the cloth from Peter's hands and covering his dead sister up with it, "'don't touch anything.'"

"I can't help but wondering," Sherlock began saying, "that your sister has light brown hair whereas you have dark brown hair. The possibility of you and your sister having different hair colour is…well, in simple terms (for Peter's sake) pretty nil."

"Well I can explain…" Roderick began.

"What I can deduce is that this girl isn't your sister _or_ you are not Roderick Usher," Sherlock added.

"I guess you are the master," Roderick said reluctantly.

"I'm not finished yet," Sherlock said, "also you both have, from what I have seen, the same eye colour which is also a rare trait unless she was your twin. Even if she was your twin, she would have the same hair colour as you anyway."

"You certainly eliminate the obvious, Mr. Holmes," Roderick said.

"I also have something to add," Peter said.

"You do?" Holmes and Roderick asked in unison.

"Yes if this guy is who he says he is, then why is there a zipper in the back of his head?"

"A zipper?" Holmes asked.

"A what?" Roderick asked.


	3. Chapter 3

"Yes, there is a zipper on the back of his head," Peter said, "And if I pull it down, like so…" Peter pulled down on the zipper and he revealed the true culprit—a giant chicken.

"Holy crap, it's a giant chicken!" Peter exclaimed sarcastically as if he already knew who the culprit was.

"But how; this doesn't make any sense," Holmes said.

"Elementary; first of all, when I showed Roderick this bucket of fried chicken a few minutes ago," Peter said holding up a bucket of KFC chicken, "he flinched. Secondly: he also bobbed his head whenever he walked. Finally: there were peck marks all over Ms. Usher's body; pecks that only a chicken could make. As for the real Mr. Usher: this chicken gave him a free getaway giveaway certificate so that's where he really is."

"How did you come to this conclusion?" Holmes inquired.

"Well it all happened when I watched an episode of Matlock; there was nothing on that day so I figured I might as well watch it."

"Brilliant, Mr. Griffin; I guess you're not so incompetent after all."

"Now to take care of this chicken," Peter said as he started to beat up the chicken. He grabbed the chicken's leg and the chicken grabbed his esophagus and bit off Peter's ear and chewed off his eyebrows and Peter took out the chicken's appendix and its gizzard before the chicken fell down unconscious.

"Why don't we get out of here before that chicken wakes up," Peter suggested.

"That sounds like an excellent idea," Sherlock said as he started heading out of the room. "So where is the real Mr. Usher anyway?"

"That's a mystery even I can't solve," Peter said. "No seriously, I don't know where he is. What are we gonna do about the body?"

"We'll let the police take care of it," Holmes said, "In the meantime…I'll have to tell Watson all of what happened."


End file.
